A Little Panic

 I was going to finish the laundry; instead I took a nap. Inadequate sleep plus being slightly overwhelmed leads to exhaustion. I totally mathed right there.

Nothing like sitting at work and getting a call from the fertility pharmacy. They double check information, list of a bazillion different medications (oh, you think I’m exaggerating), and then expect payment. This meant me running down to another office to get my wallet. It’s slightly mind-boggling to drop thousands of dollars in just a couple of minutes. Considering that it’s not like buying a couch, TV, or tablet. No testing the quality or features to see if you’ll like it. Just many crossed fingers. Most of the time fertility drugs are purchased from a specialized pharmacy and they are overnighted in a cooler. Drugs to your doorstep.

Today was apparently the money day. When we previously asked about loans we were not given all the appropriate information in order to get one in a timely manner. We went in this past Monday to apply for a home equity loan and were informed that it may take a couple weeks to complete all the paperwork. I was perturbed. The bill is due on the 21^st. J² was not happy either. So we went into a main branch and talked with a loan officer (not a lending teller who’s plugging in information). We had to shuffle some things around and incurred a plenty, but we are situated. J² says it’s only money, but I get panicky with the idea of draining our savings. You work hard to save *blink* it’s gone. Yes, with a loan there is interest, but it doesn’t feel as painful. Could it all go wrong this soon? After we left the credit union I started to calm down. This is all so uncertain and you want to try, but you also don’t want everything to be wasted. It’s difficult to portray that pit in your stomach that opens up and you feel like you’re falling and falling. And you have no control. I have no doubt many of you have felt it and one time or another. Now, I just have to write the checks(who does that?) and hand them over. I’ll make it rain money then the fertility clinic can make it rain babies.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Another fun aspect to IVF is the contracts. The main contract that breaks down what you will be doing and the associated costs is like a novella. I must say that electronically signing is the best. No hand cramps! I sign, J² signs. We are locked in. Today, I had the consent forms to sign. You’re consenting to the procedures, medications, and to the knowledge that problems may arise. Then, there was this little gem…

What is an act of a public enemy? I guess they really do cover all bases.

Even with the contracts signed and the finances in order, I feel like I’m in a limbo. It’s real, but dreamlike. It’s fast approaching, but far off. I honestly didn’t think we would reach this point. I knew I required medical assistance to achieve pregnancy, but not this extreme. Perhaps, I was just too hopeful and scared because I’m afraid I’m not strong enough.

P. S. I got the laundry done. The was suspense too much, right?