The Waiting Game

The journey into the vast abyss of infertility varies for everyone. The diagnosis, the plan for treatment, the length of trying, any setbacks, and the emotional responses for all parties involved. A small bucketful from a deep well of reasons. Yes, my comparison are behemothic because this is truly the world of infertility. For all the differences, there is at least one similarity. Waiting. And there be heaps of it. Waiting for the blood results that they are keen on siphoning from your veins. Waiting in the, well, waiting room for the doctor. Waiting for medications to finally work. Waiting for procedures to be completed. The dreaded two week wait, or TWW. This is the period of time between an IUI or IVF transfer and the day you can test for pregnancy.

Fun fact: symptoms of pregnancy are identical to menstruation symptoms. If one considers fun to be a torturous mind game.

I wait for things to go right. I wait for things to go wrong. Oh, I’ve waited. Justin has, also. Time cannot be held captive. You feel it ebb away. Waiting amplifies that. I’m actually waiting now. In a holding pattern until this body of mine cooperates. I looked up waiting in the thesaurus and one of the synonyms under the noun form was time wasted. It’s fitting. Not in the sense of trying to conceive, but that I’ve wasted the time of those closest to me. And not necessarily time in and of itself, but emotional time. I admit that I can’t always see the pain and concern of those around because my own hurt consumes me. Selfish? Most definitely. The darkness and doubt that dwells in my head, as unearned as it is, overcomes me.

And all the awhile……..I wait.