Getting ready for a new phase

Week 27 and I’m just about to enter the third trimester. Baby Julandy is now the size of a Fennec fox.

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Getting bigger every week. I still can’t fathom that I really am this far. Do I get to be this happy?

So as she is still gestating, J² and I signed up for a childbirth preparation class. We had our first class last Thursday. This one focused on the third trimester and what is happening/going to happen. It also covered warning symptoms and when to seek help. Some good information.

During the class, the fathers(because that’s all that was there) got to wear a fake pregnancy belly. One guy had a lot of fun with it. He was quite the character. This is me and J² for our turn.

Who wore it better?

Nice bump you have there.

Yikes. I look….let’s just say there is a beach missing it’s whale. I’m thinking no to those maternity pictures. The vest thing was a little big on J². He said the belly rested on his legs and noted that he doesn’t believe that is how it really works. Smart man. I told him I could jab him in the abdomen every so often. You know, for realism.

Speaking of jabs to the gut……

Can I talk about fetal movement for a minute? Is it a pretty incredible experience? Yes, it really is and I am grateful for each roundhouse kick(I’m assuming this is what she is doing). But…...it is still kind of weird. Promise--not whining. I just think it’s a twofold phenomenon. Amazing with a dash of freaky. It is a unique occurrence when it’s your first pregnancy(to make it this far). As she gets bigger, her movements becomes more distinguishable and in the interim the sporadic jabs are a little startling. And there are some sharp ones which can make me pause. I’ve felt most of them at the very top right or very bottom left. What does that mean? Is it common to feel movement in similar areas? I have no answer for this, but am curious.

Because, Chuck Norris

So, yes, it is sort of odd to have a life form moving inside you. I will admit it. Just because I’ve fought so hard for this, doesn’t eliminate all the good, the bad, and the WTF is going on in there of pregnancy. I’ve seen plenty of stories of woman who have undergone fertility treatments that have been told in not so many words that because they wanted to get pregnant they can’t voice their stuggles. Wanting something and striving to get it doesn’t make the hardships vanish. Because if this is the gr0und rule then I never want to hear another college student complain about finals again. Just sayin’…..

It’s just that my body is changing in order to grow a baby in me. And as soon as I adjust to one change, another pops up. And like many infertile woman and loss moms, I’ve struggled to really focused on actually HAVING the baby. For me, I allowed myself to breath slightly at 24 weeks. Since then, I’ve slowly been trying to plan for the future.

We just got a crib! A pretty big milestone for us.

Oh, and another big deal--J² actually told someone that we are expecting. Completely voluntary without it being connected to a doctor’s appointment. If you know him, you know it’s a big step.

Now, instead of just being anxious about the pregnancy, I am now anxious about being ready for when this baby girl arrives.

A major milestone

As of today, I am 24 weeks. This is a big moment for me and J². First, we have never made it this far before. And second, we have technical viability. I know it’s not a guarantee of anything, but it’s a step in the right direction. And baby girl is the size the an Atlantic Puffin.

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Aww, cute.

Because of my front-facing placenta, I haven’t felt too much in ways of movement. Now I don’t know what kind of freakish butterflies other women have, but I get more of a popcorn popping feeling. I saw someone describe it as that and I have to agree. Little pops here and there. I can’t wait to feel more. In fact, tonight J² informed me that he felt a kick last night. I love that he can feel connected to the pregnancy.

This milestone also gave me the confidence to give my leave date at work. A long as this pregnancy continues to go smoothly, my final day at work will be June 29^th.

I feel like I can start thinking about my baby shower, buying the larger baby items, looking at getting the nursery together. I even bought maternity clothes.

Next appointment is in about a week and a half. Hopefully, my doctor will do an ultrasound.

20 Week Ultrasound. and a Preggo Complaint

On Monday, we went to have The Ultrasound. Meaning the 20 week anatomy scan. Counting all the fingers and toes. Checking the organs. Making sure everything looks normal. And that also means…..

Yes. Half way! This is a very big deal for us. I’ve never been this far along. It’s surreal. I say that because it’s hard to reconcile my anxiety with being this happy. Like I’m not allowed to be too excited or something bad will happen. So don’t take my seemingly disinterest as disappointment.

Moving on from my head space, we start off the appointment like any other. Making sure there’s a heartbeat. Yes, there is. And sigh of relief. The whole thing takes about an hour. The tech takes measurements, pictures, and details all organs. After that, the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor comes in and discusses what was observed. He said all organs appeared normal. Measurements were on target. Even my cervix was holding up with the cerclage.

There she is-- looking good.

The doctor starting talking to us about the progesterone I was taking for preterm labor. He said at a recent conference he went to that the rate of preterm labor hasn’t really declined as much as they thought it would. Even with the use of progesterone. The reason why has to do with the fact there are multiple reason why a woman goes into preterm labor and the shots may only help a couple of those. It just goes to show you how much and often science and medicine can change.

Of course, I’m still going to keep doing the shots. And I should say, he wasn’t trying to discourage us, just giving us information.

And now I want to make a pregnancy related complaint. I can deal with every other symptom, but there is one that may drive me crazy.

Yep, restless leg syndrome. Whether napping or sleeping at night, my legs will twitch. It’s an uncontrollable impulse. And I can’t sleep. It may cause me to have a breakdown. There doesn’t seem to be anything that helps.

So baby girl looks fine and I’ll never fully sleep again. Sounds about right.

Valentine’s Day

Once upon a time…..we waited 3 hours to just be seated at Red Lobster and decided we will no longer torture ourselves and peaced out of Valentine’s Day. So no, this won’t be a post about my super romantic Wednesday. And besides, J² doesn’t do romance. He will remodel the entire house(kitchen in progress), take care of my car, and accept any and all hormonal craziness and infertility(and now pregnancy) requirements and restrictions. But buy flowers…...hahahahaha! And that’s okay. I’ve never once believed the true love comes from cards or candy. It’s all about being there. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Trust and compatibility play a big role, also.

The Hallmark of a great relationship.

Nope, this is a nice little post about getting a romantic shot in the ass. I mean that literally. And yes, I am using literally correctly. J² and I went to the OB office so a nurse could train us on the proper technique to do my progesterone shots. This is an intramuscular injection.

Brown baggies, not just or liquor anymore.

Yes, as long as my finger!

The brown baggie is to protect the mixture from light.

The nurse taught J² how to find the right location, insert the needle, check for blood, and inject the fluid. After she walk us through the steps, she actually had J² perform the injection. Guess what????? It didn’t hurt at all. I didn’t even realize he had the needle in until I heard him asking how to check for blood.

I hope it goes this smooth every time. As I’ve mentioned before, this once weekly injection should help discourage preterm labor. 16 weeks and counting.

I forgot to mention in my previous post that I found I have an anterior placenta. Which means the placenta is forward facing (between my stomach and baby). The downside to this is that I won;t be able to fell her move until a little later. Knowing this, I won’t be getting a Doppler (a little portable device that can pick up a baby’s heartbeat in utero. With the anterior placenta it is difficult to find the heartbeat. I don’t need that stress. So I’ll just impatiently wait for my appointments. These are pretty normal feelings for those of us who have suffered through infertility and loss. If we don’t seem neurotic, it’s because we’re hiding it.

Happy Wednesday to all you single and married and other people!

Surgery Follow-up (13 weeks, 6 days)

About a week and a half passed my surgery, J² and I went in on Monday for our post surgery follow-up. The cerclage looks fine and is so far doing its job. I may get anxious starting around 17 weeks. But I’m trying to have confidence. I’m not very good at positive mantras. For my little girl, I’ll give it a shot. Well, I would say I’m giving it lots of shots. Haha! See what I did there.

Back to the appointment. I also had another ultrasound (like I would leave that office without one). Here are some pictures…..

Heartbeart

Baby girl!

Look at that face!

Look at that face. Yes, kind of alien, but still the cutest. Heartbeat looks super. I tear up just a little

the moment I hear those first beats. Every time I see her is the best time. She was quite that day and not squirmy.

Besides that, we discussed a couple things with the doctor. I can stop taking Metformin for now. That’s a nice break. We will be doing weekly progesterone shots for preterm labor (not covered by insurance) starting at 16 weeks. J² and I will have a training session and decide If he will do it or a nurse.

It might be a repeat, but it's true.

I also got the all clear to have my hair done again. Yes, I waited because I don’t want to jinx myself. I am weird. And just want this to end in giving birth to a healthy baby.

Surgery Day - Cerclage

On Wednesday, J² nudged me to semi-consciousness at 5:30 a.m. That’s a real time, right? People actually wake up before the sun rises? Like, that’s a thing, right? So I stumbled out of bed, tossed on some comfortable clothes and we headed for the hospital. We checked in to the labor and delivery ward. It was very quite at 6:30 in the morning. We were taken to our room which didn’t bring up the fondest memories. The last time we were here it was not a happy moment. This time is for a better reason, and one that should help me get to the moment I really want.

I slipped into the fashionable hospital gown. The nurse, Barbara, started an IV. It was interesting because she put it in on the side of my forearm. Usually they haven’t been able to get an IV in my forearm because they say I’m too “vavle-y.” Better than in my hand. I felt like I could move. Barbara went and retrieved a Doppler to check the baby. At this time, my doctor arrived to touch base with us. After both her and the nurse tried and failed to hear the heartbeat (although they heard the cord), my doctor went and got an ultrasound machine. She stated that it is difficult to hear anything with a Doppler at 12 weeks. Not like I was having a mini freak out or anything. The logic part of my brain was telling me that it was too early; the pessimistic anxious side was……..

Internally, of course.

I think you get the point. The ultrasound (praise Dr. Ian Donald and Tom Brown) showed my squiggly little worm doing just fine. See? Nothing to worry about. Who’s panicking?

A little while later I was wheeled back to the OR. I got up on the table and they had me sit up and towards the back of the table. Since I was nervous about the epidural, Barbara talked me through what the anesthesiologist was going to do. I curled around a pillow and the anesthesiologist rubbed iodine on my back. Next, the nurse said I would feel something akin to a bee sting. The longest bee sting of my life. It lasted for a few seconds. To me, this was the worst part of the whole thing. Then came some pressure from the threading of the catheter and cramp like feeling when the medication was first injected. After that my legs started to tingle. I was scooted down to the other end of the table where my legs were lifted into stirrups. As the nurses were prepping, my doctor spoke with me. She asked if I could feel anything. I said that my legs were tingling (as if they fell asleep). She touched my leg and then pinched my arm and told me that’s what she did to my leg. I did not feel the pinch. So I could feel touch and hot and cold, but not pain. When the catheter was inserted, the nurses said if the epidural wasn’t working I would have definitely felt it.

I was always under the impression that an epidural completely numbed everything. More of an assumption. So it seemed odd that I could still move my feet. Now, I do think they can numb it more, but there is no reason if you’re not in pain. Bonus, first time I didn’t feel the speculum.

The procedure itself took about 10 minutes. My little girl was all tied in.

Essentially

Back to the room I was wheeled with J² waiting for me. I spent the next three hours waiting for the anesthesia to wear off. Another ultrasound was done and she was still moving all about. Finally, around 11:30 a.m. my catheter and IV were removed. I was then able to get up to make sure I was okay to stand and walk. I received the all clear and was discharged.

I really thought I was going to be in more pain. Besides a little cramping (which was expected) and my back being slightly bruised (since I’m on blood thinners) I’ve been fine. Overall, I’m pleased I did it. I feel a little more secure in this pregnancy.  

Week 12(ish) Check-up

Today, we went in for a second check-up with my OB. I’m a day shy of 12 weeks. It’s been a very long month waiting for this next ultrasound. Even though there has been no indication of anything being wrong, I still held my breath when she pressed the transducer to my abdomen. In the past, my track record with ultrasound have been hit and miss. I’ve gotten the best news. I’ve gotten the worst new possible. This time was all good news. BIG sigh of relief.

There she is. In all her fuzzy ultrasound glory. Heart rate is just fine. Seems to be measuring right on track. It’s been over two years since I’ve been this far along. Hurray for the little victories. Of course, I don’t consider myself out of the woods until I can hold her (very much alive) in my arms.

The other purpose of this visit was to discuss putting in a preemptive cerclage. This type of cerclage is placed after 12 weeks gestation to help prevent the cervix from opening and starting preterm labor. Because this seemed to be the reason my second pregnancy failed, we decided this is the best answer to my problem. So I am scheduled for tomorrow morning (bright and freaking early) to have this surgery. I’m a little nervous, but I do believe it is the right action to take.

My doctor also talked to us about starting weekly progesterone shots at 16 weeks. It appears some studies are finding that these shots, from 16 weeks to 37 weeks, help prevent preterm labor in women who have experienced it before. This is only for singleton pregnancies. While we are leaning towards doing the shots, I’m going to mull it over for a bit. So much pressure to make all the right decisions knowing if anything goes wrong I’ll always blame myself.

For this visit I did the glucose test.

Doesn’t that look yummy. If you like things that are so ghastly sweet that it burns when you swallow it. And I failed. But looking at my results online it says that I’m within the normal range, even if it’s the tail end. Give a girl a break! So they want me to do the three hour test. I’ll probably talk to my doctor tomorrow.

So here we are – – 12 weeks and counting. I can’t wait until I get that bump and can feel her move.

2017 – A Year In Review

I’m sitting here, relaxing on my couch (as is my custom for the time being) and reflecting on what 2017 entailed for me in my infertile world. Roller coaster is pretty cliché, but the most accurate way to describe the up and downs and stomach-knotting feelings.

It started off as J² and I were finally able to proceed with fertility treatment once again after the tumultuous 2016 year. My RE wanted to perform a HSG. HSG stands for Hysterosalpingogram. It’s a procedure where a catheter is inserted through the cervix and dye is injected, x-rays are taken to see in the fallopian are opened. For most women, it will be mildly uncomfortable. If your tubes are blocked or if the shape of your cervix makes things like this difficult, you may experience more pain. I took some Ibuprofen and was fine. Many doctors offer Valium, but I didn’t take it. I’ve actually never taken Valium so I am unaware of how it would affect me. My doctor talked me (J² had to wait outside) through the whole thing and it lasted maybe 5 minutes. My doctor was very experienced in this procedure and that helped ease my mind.

My tubes were clear. Add that to the what’s not wrong with me category. So what the hell is wrong with me? It’s the stick that so many infertiles beat themselves with. Of that, I am not an exception.

We decided to try a few more IUIs. I would call at the start of my cycle and we were going to do Femara, FSH injections, and a trigger shot. That was the plan. Anyone else hear Mother Nature laughing?

We took a quick trip to Vegas to relax before being bombarded with hormones.

While there, I found out it was the Year of the Rooster. I was born in the 1981. So that meant it’s was my year, right? 

When we returned home I waited for my cycle. About a week later, I wasn’t feeling well. So I broke down and took a pregnancy test. Guess what? Serious! It was positive! I was pregnant! Without meds. That happens? After 14 years? It was my year! Hear that laughing again?

Well, maybe not laughing.

I won’t go into detail in this post but three week later, having both my RE and OB confirm it (on J²’s birthday no less). We lost this baby, also. I was scheduled for a D&C the following Tuesday (this was on a Friday).

The next couple of months as I waited for my body to return to, well, as normal as it could get, we decided to so some testing. First, J² and I had the karyotype testing done. The results came back as normal. So our chromosomes looked good. Next, I did the Recombine CarrierMap genetic screening. Those results showed that I was not the carrier of any tested disease (they test for over 300 diseases).

We weren’t ready to give up yet. In June we did an IUI. That failed. We had a discussion with our doctor about moving on to IVF. In the meantime, we did another IUI in July. That failed.

So….on to IVF.

I had more blood work done. Another OAR assessment. This showed my AMH had dropped from 9 to 6. Still high though. Because I was straight stimming, meaning I was not taking birth control to suppress my cycle, I had to wait for my cycle to begin. This was the end of August/beginning of September.

Between the egg retrieval and transfer, we took another short vacation to Vegas in October. I finally got to see “o.” It was nice to unwind and have fun and not think about what had happened and what was to come.

In November, the transfer was done. In November, I had a positive beta.

In December, I got to go to my family Christmas party, pregnant. In December, I had my first Christmas, pregnant. I celebrated (or chilled on the couch) New Year’s Eve, pregnant. I called J² my designated drinker.

Overall, 2017 was crazy. And as happy as I am to be carrying one of our embabies, I am also happy that 2017 ended on a better note than the past 3 years.

Ultrasound #2

This past Monday, J² and I went to our second ultrasound. Now most people are usually thrilled to get to see their baby. And we are no different, but for us there existed a slight apprehension. We don’t have the best track record for ultrasound. Too many times we have been dealt the blow of bad news. Not this time! With a room full of the doctor, nurses, and a phlebotomist, we got this little gem:

Isn’t that just the most beautiful sound? I want more than anything to hear that sound when I’m holding her in my arms.

On Wednesday, I had my first(again) OB appointment. So I had another ultrasound. I always seem to hold my breath until I can see that heartbeat. So at 8 weeks, here’s our little girl:

The mind-melting dichotomy between joy and worry makes me wonder if I’ll be sane at the end.

It looks like I will continue taking the Estradiol and Progesterone until 10 weeks. I will use Lovenox until about 36ish weeks then switch to Heparin. I’ve also discussed with my OB about putting in a cerclage (more on that later).

For now, I have to wait o month before my next appointment. I may lose my mind.

FET Update #2

Houston, we have a positive! 

On November 27, I went in for my beta. Which is just your first HCG test. After the longest hours of my life, seriously, it felt longer than the two week wait. 

The nurse finally called and told us that my HCG level was 775 mlU/ml. This is a really good number for 14dp5dt (or 14 days past 5 day transfer). I’m officially pregnant! My stomach had to untie itself. This is a step in the right direction. I am in a bit of disbelief that it worked the first time for us. Not every woman is so lucky.

We then set up a time for my first ultrasound. And that’s why I’m writing this later than I would have. Because I wanted to make sure things looked alright before sharing. We went in on December 7. Which put me at 6 weeks and 1 day. Guess what? Measuring in the correct range was our little girl.

This is what an early scan looks like.

Our little girl.

Can’t see much, huh? First off, she is at the top of my uterus, which means not as clear picture. And second, it’s too early to see much. Sometimes, you might see a little more, but I think the position makes it difficult. You know what else we saw? The tiniest flicker of a heartbeat. Again, still too early to hear it, but there it was. Our little girl’s heart.

A convergence of science and nature. I’m in awe of both. And, yes, in love with the result that has barely come to fruition.

Truth be told, we have a long way to go. I’ve been here before and know nothing is set in stone. We have my second ultrasound in about a week. Crossing my fingers that things continue to go well. It’s as if I’m on a teeter totter that falls between excitement and anxiousness. I am haunted by the past losses to ever be secure in the hopefulness of any pregnancy. No matter how happy I am, that cloud follows me like a pet.

I’ll continue taking the estrogen and using the progesterone. Oh, and also Metformin and Lovanox.  I’ll also be content in experiencing all the nausea, tiredness, and sore boobs.